Unending Fight with Depression

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Throughout my therapy sessions I kept most of my issues to myself. Though I couldn’t figure out all that was going on with me, I was still unwilling to express how I felt about myself.

My name’s Patrick. I’m 23-years-old. I was diagnosed with depression about two to four years ago. I slowly became aware of it post-middle school. I felt like my emotions were all over the place. My rational thoughts were constantly out of place. I could rarely express myself without my speech leaping from one issue to the next. My psychologists suggested that I seek outside help, which I was open to.

I wasn’t certain why I was depressed. By that, I mean, I wasn’t able to detect the reasons why I was depressed. I came to the conclusion that I’d always been irritable, always sad. Throughout my therapy sessions I kept most of my issues to myself. Though I couldn’t figure out all that was going on with me, I was still unwilling to express how I felt about myself.

I eventually adapted to my apathetic behavior. I had friends, but I don’t think they would’ve understood the pain that I was going through. Not family. Not friends. Nobody. I felt compelled to believe that these problems I had would never be resolved. I eventually adjusted to my slew of internal conflicts.

Two or three years ago, I started seeing a neuropsychologist. She practiced Neurofeedback. When I started seeing her was around the same time that I stopped taking antidepressants/antipsychotics. Within a week of beginning treatment with her, I was able to think a lot more clearly. I was happier, to keep it brief. She recently retired, however.

I’ve progressed with being able to see positivity within myself. I also forgive myself a lot more. I’ve become a lot more Buddha-Zen-esque.

I haven’t spoken to any professionals as of recently though. I’ve relied primarily on willpower alone to continue fighting this depression. It’s nearly impossible to cope with most things by doing that, but hey… if I do ever have the funds to get help again, I’ll definitely go back for Neurofeedback. I never felt happier than I started to feel two-three years ago.

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